Subject: Warning labels
If they put warning labels on alcoholic beverages like they do
on cigarette packages, here's what they might look like:

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over
and
over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really
dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened
to your pants anyway.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see
something really scary (whose name and/or species you can't remember).

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on
the forehead.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more
handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy nicknamed "Whip
Ass".